Everything I Had to Say for My Wife While She Was on Vocal Rest

My wife is currently starring in a one-woman version of Les Mis. To preserve her voice, she is on vocal rest when not performing. Here is everything I had to say for her:

“Do you mind if my wife sits down? She’s not pregnant, just on vocal rest.”

“Everything bagel, cream cheese, tomato. Ouch! Jeez. OK. Scooped please.”

“She’s going to 33rd and 6th. I’m going there too. But only because she can’t tell you where she is going… I see why you’re saying that. She’s on vocal rest; not kidnapped. We’re married!”

“Is there any toilet paper in your stall?”

“I’ll have a small coffee and she would like… I know she can talk just not today. No it’s not a weird sex thing. Are you familiar with vocal rest? What version of the Kama Sutra did you read?”

“I’d like to make a return. They didn’t fit. Well, I didn’t try them on. Oh, I see the confusion here.”

“Hi, my wife’s name is Jen Gold and I’ll be reading a monologue for her from A Streetcar Named Desire.”

“Sarah, Jen just feels like you two have grown apart. I’m sorry. She values your friendship, but you’re in different places in your lives…. This is me now. I still want to hang out with your boyfriend. He’s fun!”

“Hi Mrs. Gold. It’s Alex. Your daughter’s on vocal rest but still wanted to make sure she called.”

“Oh my god. Ken! Hi. Jen hasn’t seen you in the years since that one night in college… How are you? You look fantastic. OK, that’s enough. By forever, Ken!”

“I know you’re pregnant, but do you mind if my wife sits down? She’s on vocal rest.”