A Message to Our Readers

In light of Apple’s recent decision to fight the FBI’s request to unlock an iPhone, the news cycle has been abuzz with talk about the line between the national security and privacy. It seems only fitting that AlexSiegal.com throws its weight into the debate.

A United Front

We stand with Apple in our decision to also not compromise the security of our readers by fulfilling FBI requests for “back door” access to our site.   

Now, it should be noted that the FBI has not made any requests for files or information from AlexSiegal.com, but it could happen any day now. We have a large and varied readership. It’s entirely possible that some terrorists have visited AlexSiegal.com.

What We Think Happened

NOTE FROM ALEXSIEGAL.COM LAWYERS: The following is purely speculative, but would almost certainly be the way it would happen.

In all likelihood, one low-ranking ISIL member found our site after Googling “Top comedians to watch who will soon be working for SNL” and shared it with a few buddies, laughing at the way AlexSiegal.com has mastered the language of comedy. It’s even possible they wanted to add a humor section to their propaganda magazine.

Unfortunately, a commander would have most certainly found out and executed them. It would have been at that time, security experts would probably argue, that AlexSiegal.com came to represent all that was good about America—and therefore everything a terrorist organization like ISIL hates.

All the chatter about AlexSiegal.com would have alerted CIA agents in deep cover and probably led to Operation Heroic Thunder.

That operation would have actually been a joint operation between SEAL Team 6 and DELTA Force to capture that ISIL commander in a nighttime raid and interrogated him. (We will assume in full accordance with NATO and UN guidelines, but that kind of speculation is really beyond the scope of this open letter.)  After 2 months of interrogation, CIA contractors and Mossad agents in a secret German rendition center would have learned about AlexSiegal.com.

That, of course, is when the FBI would come knocking. They’d want to know the IP addresses of our users to learn just how many terrorists are currently active readers of AlexSiegal.com.

And that is where we would draw the line.

Help, Within Reason

If the FBI, NSA, or members of Black Ops ask us for something like an unused blog post, we would certainly provide that. But the hypothetical request for a “back door” to our site is simply a bridge too far.

We hate terrorism. It’s the pits. But there comes a point where we simply cannot betray the freedoms and ideals that our Great Nation was founded upon just to uncover a vast and intricate global terror network. And that is why we respectfully decline to fulfill the FBI’s request, should they have made one.

Thank you and God Bless America,

Alex Siegal
Global CEO, AlexSiegal.com

Introducing AlexSiegal.com Business Class

People love coming to AlexSiegal.com. But after a while, they naturally wonder if there’s an elevated level of comfort and service they could get. That’s why we created AlexSiegal.com Business Class.

In Business Class, you’ll be able to browse the site with amenities like a search button, unlimited views of my videos, and a Best of Motown playlist.

Think what that’ll be like. You come home after a long day, take off your jacket, tie, shirt, belt, pants, socks, shoes, and underwear. Then, put on a comfy pair of shorts with a loose top and maybe some slippers. And once you collapse onto the couch, you pull up AlexSiegal.com on any device (it’s responsive), type in your unique code, and you’re immediately transported to a state of pure relaxation with songs from the Jackson 5. Like this one:

Sit yourself down, take a seat
All you gotta do is repeat after me
A-B-C
It's easy as, 1-2-3

Man. What a classic! But of course, it’s not all chart toppers. The playlist also includes some lesser-known, but very influential Motown favorites. Take this song for instance:

You know you took my love, threw it away
You gonna want my love someday
Well a bye bye baby
(Bye bye bye)

Come on! Nothing? Mary Wells. 1960. The song basically launched her career. She was 17 years old when she recorded that. What were you doing when you were 17? Ah, forget it. You people wouldn’t know Motown Sound if it hit you over the head. Just choose something for yourself:

My love, my baby love
I need you, oh how I need you
Why you do me like you do
After I've been true to you
So deep in love with you

The Supremes. Real original. You know what? I’m shutting down Business Class. No. It’s too late. I’m not wasting my time. I hope you and Dianna Ross are happy together.

AlexSiegal.com Uncensored

Put your kids to sleep and put any kittens or puppies in their carriers. This is AlexSiegal.com Uncensored. What should you be prepared for? Everything! What are the rules of an uncensored post? Just one: There are no rules!!!

Is there a single color that screams AlexSiegal.com Uncensored? Duh:

Which celebrity’s abs best encapsulate an uncensored post? Oh I don't know, maybe it’s the six-pack belonging to 60’s sex icon Paul Newman:

Which basic trigonometry equation is most like an uncensored post? That’s just too easy:

If this post were a leader of the early feminist movement, who would it be? All sexists better leave now:

In the land of TV sitcoms, is there one show that captures the essence of this post? You know it: 

If this post were a Jansport backpack, would it be the “Houston”? Pshhhh. Maybe if this was the censored post! But it’s uncensored! “Thunderclap” all the way:

Well, that’s about it! Hopefully you were able to make it through this entire post without getting offended by how uncensored it was. But I doubt it. You babies!

All Bald...ing Men Don't Look Alike

Recently, my friend Kristin sent me a picture of a man who she claimed was my doppelganger. 

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I’ll admit, to the untrained eye, there are some similarities: we both sport a thin yet muscular physique, we’ve both bravely chosen to rid our beautiful scalps of unsightly hair, and we both stand somewhat awkwardly next to women in shorts. But beyond that, the similarities end. Here are the many differences:

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1. It’s warm out, yet he’s not wearing a hat to cover his exposed head. Plus, no one is asking him if he went to the beach, so he’s clearly not wearing any sunscreen either. That’s a telltale sign it’s not me.

2. Is that a goatee?! 

3. This one is just easy. His hair color is more of a fresh snickerdoodle whereas mine is a lightly toasted croissant.

4. Anyone who knows me even somewhat well knows how keen I am for free food. This guy is wearing a white shirt. Clearly, he doesn’t plan on doing any eating.

5. Look how far down his knee those shorts go. Why didn’t he just wear pants? For the record, this is how I wear shorts.

How I Spend My Time When Real Housewives Is On

My girlfriend and her friend watch the newest episode of Housewives every Tuesday night at 9. Because I refuse to watch it, I instead have to occupy myself with other activities. Here is what I did this week:

 Organized my desktop by “date modified”.

 Almost read this article:

Decided this was a better option:

Wondered if I’m allowed to put my roll on top of this loaf.

Finally found an idea that basically no one else has done.

Debated the best way to charge my computer.

 Made this pie chart 

Tune in next week to see what crazy adventures I’ll get up to. Here’s a hint: I’m going to brew tea. 

The Laundromat

The laundromat is where I always wished my girlfriend and I met. In fact, I’ve thought a lot about how it would play out. I would be fumbling with dryer sheets and she’d notice me and smile. We’d start up a conversation and then do it at my place while the clothes dry. And although this was just a daydream, sometimes when I’m washing our clothes, the fantasy of meeting someone like that pops into my mind. The only problem (besides cheating, her finding out, and me writing a best-selling memoir about the ordeal) is that I’m washing our clothes. That means my performance briefs are mixed in with her performance thongs. So it would only be a matter of time until a woman looked at what was in my hamper and learned the truth. However, I’ve come up with a couple scenarios in which I could convince this spin-cycle sex kitten that I’m alone (although I’m not, and I love my girlfriend and stuff, but you get the idea).

Scenario 1: The Philosopher’s Stone
Me: Hey your laundry bag is neat—lots of functional pockets.
Her: That’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Me: You’re welcome.
(She looks down and notices the clothes in my basket.)
Her: Wait a minute, do you have a girlfriend?
Me: No, I work at a shelter and wash their clothes on the weekend. It just feels good to give back.
Her: I’d say you should tell me more at your place, but my sheets still have another 5 minutes to dry.
(I give her my trademark smirk.)
Me:  Oh let’s plenty of time.

Scenario 2: The Goblet of Fire
Me: Hey! I recognize those tights from yoga. Sharon?
Sharon: Hey Alex!
Me: That class was crazy! One of those poses was so hard I almost started crying. I guess child’s pose would have been my best bet at that point.
Sharon. Haha! Oh Alex. What a well-crafted and relevant joke. Want to come back to...
(She looks down and notices the clothes in my basket.)
Me: It’s not what it looks like. Recently I decided that society’s “definition” of gender was wrong, and to protest it I wash women’s underwear. You know, because you wouldn’t expect that within a heteronormative construct.
Sharon: Again, well crafted and relevant. I live next door. Come on.

Now, you may be quick to point out the obvious exaggeration found in these scenarios, which is why I’m asking for a suspension of disbelief. Otherwise, you’ll never believe that I’d be so naïve as to leave my clothes unattended to have relations with some woman. That’s the easiest way to get your pants stolen. 

Decision 2016

From the AlexSiegal.com Editorial Board

With many news outlets and pundits already stirring up debate about the 2016 presidential election, we’ve decided to rise above the fray by coming right out and making an endorsement. By throwing the full journalistic weight of AlexSiegal.com behind a candidate 2 years before the election, we’ll not only get a sizable bump in web traffic, but also get one step closer to being the first name in political news, as we’ve always intended.

The Candidate
We searched all over the country for the person who best embodied what we believe are the 3 pillars of leadership: chutzpah, menschiness, and shiksappeal. Naturally, we could think of no one better than Hillary Clinton. But she’s way too played up at this point.  And a Google search of her would most likely drive you to one of our direct competitors like the Times or Wall Street Journal.  So instead, we’re going with the US Representative from Maine’s 1st district, Congresswoman Chellie Pingree.

 The Credentials
We won’t bore you with useless information like her voting record or experience. Instead, we’ll delve into the information readily available on her Wikipedia page. She started a knitting company, which at its heyday employed as many as ten people. (Unfortunately, after the subprime yarn crisis of 1992, the company completely unraveled.) Beyond being a titan of industry, she also raised 3 children. (We haven’t run the numbers, but we’re pretty sure this increased Maine’s population by 37%.)

The Campaign
We fully expect an all out war as election season gets closer. But we’re confident that if the Congresswoman goes with one of our expertly crafted campaign slogans, it’ll translate to votes on election day.

“Yes ME Can” – Our exhaustive urinal polling show that everyone liked this in ’08 and everyone knows Maine’s state abbreviation.

“You can’t have main street politics without Maine” – This should be perfect to win over those people in “Real America”, and if the election doesn’t work out, not a bad tourism poster for the state.

“Let’s turn this country around 180-Pingrees” – Zing!
 

Come November 2016, do the right thing and cast your ballot for Pingree. But don’t do it because you want her to change this country or improve our international reputation. Do it because it would be awesome if somehow this blog post got her elected—just so awesome.

Showering With Your Girlfriend

Note: This is about regular, day-to-day showering with your girlfriend. If you’re looking for shower sex tips, check out my sister site, AlexAfterDark.com.

I’ve always been a fan of showering with my girlfriend. Not only is it a great excuse to see her naked, but I can also be warm and clean at the same time. It’s really the ultimate sign of success. You can see a woman naked in the same place you like to slap soap bubbles against your stomach to see how far they fly. That’s huge. But if you’re like me, you don’t want it to end prematurely. So it’s important to follow a few tips to make sure that when she wants to get clean, you get a good view. 

Everyone in the pool!
If you and your girlfriend aren’t on the same shower schedule, you’ll never get the chance to see what she does with a loofa. So make sure you’re always ready. However, she may express interest in showering alone so she can “shave her legs”. Nice try! Just pour some pasta sauce on yourself. She’ll have no choice but to let you in.

Hot spot
Unless you’re a millionaire, royalty, or are one of those guys who is really handy, you probably only have a single showerhead. That means either you or your girlfriend will be getting the life-giving warmth from the shower, while the other person is a little wet and uncomfortable. I wish this weren’t the case, but unfortunately, it is. So best to make sure you get the position next to the showerhead. If she complains, just start talking about something serious like marriage or whatever. Not only will this draw her attention away from where you’re standing, it’ll increase your viewing time as well. Boom!  

Bonus time
Eventually you’ll have to get out of the shower. Or will you? What if you could take the best parts of showering with your girlfriend: the nudity, the warmth, the boobs, and experience them outside of the shower? It can’t be a coincidence that water balloons take on a very familiar shape. So I propose you keep some around and next time she’s watching The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, or The Bachelor Pad you launch off a few bombs her way. She’ll be wet and then hopefully disrobe. Granted, I’ve never tried this myself, so I can’t promise anything. But I think it should work. If you do try it, remember, moderation is key. 3-4 times a week should do the trick.

I hope these showering tips were useful and stay tuned for my next post, “Sleeping Next to Your Girlfriend: Stealing Covers and Sneaking a Peek”. 

The Siegal Guide to Meditation

Today I became interested in mediation. After reading numerous Psychology Today articles and listening to a few guided meditation podcasts, I feel it’s time to share everything I’ve learned in the hopes that you too can become spiritually awakened. Here is a simple morning mediation that I just developed:

Hello. Welcome. Danke schöen.

Please close your eyes. Not that tight. Ok, there you go. Now open them. Make sure no one has snuck up on you because you just never know. Now close your eyes again and take a deep breath in through your nose. Slowly let the air out. Let the realization that this isn’t so hard wash over you and reflect upon the fact that you’ve been breathing on your own for over 25 years. So this can’t be that hard.

Now that you have the breathing down, focus on a part of your body that feels good. Allow yourself to giggle, as we all know what you thought of first. Regain your composure. If your focus drifts away to an ex-girlfriend from high school, that’s OK. Acknowledge that thought and let it float away knowing she was kind of a bitch anyway, all things considered. You took her to Cheesecake Factory no fewer than 3 times. That had to have meant something.

Return your focus to your breath. In and out. In and out. Yes, just like sex in slow motion. Once again, giggle.

Open your eyes. Look at the clock and notice how only 3 minutes have passed. Tell yourself you’ll go longer next time.

Important Announcement

After months of backroom negotiations, I’m pleased to announce that Perdue Chicken has bought a majority stake in my website, AlexSiegal.com.  As many of you assumed, from the moment my site went live I was inundated with requests for mergers, partnerships, and acquisitions. So naturally, the process was a difficult one.

And I know what you’re thinking “Hey, why Perdue Chicken and not a company that seems more fitting for AlexSiegal.com, such as Tyson Foods?” That’s a fair question, and I’ll admit, the choice was not an easy one. I needed to ensure whomever I worked with would keep the spirit of AlexSiegal.com alive and that I’d retain full editorial control. So naturally, after more than 50 years in the poultry business, with innovations such as the skinless breasts and flash-frozen drumsticks, Perdue was just the clear winner.

Effective immediately, my weekly blog, “Ask Alex from AlexSiegal.com,” will be replaced with the twice-weekly, “Perdue Chicken Presents: Ask Alex from AlexSiegal.com”. My other site content will largely stay the same except for some new features:

• “The Chicken Corner,” a series of short stories about love, loss, and properly cooked chicken
• “Tastes Like Chicken,” a podcast series where I interview employees from Perdue’s various plants. It’ll be like “This American Life” meets “60 Minutes” meets an industrial chicken prep line
• “Pollo,” a telenovela about two chicken farmers and their forbidden love

I really hope everyone likes the new site and bears with me as we work out a few kinks. They are inherent with any new business venture that requires USDA inspection.