AlexSiegal.com Uncensored

Put your kids to sleep and put any kittens or puppies in their carriers. This is AlexSiegal.com Uncensored. What should you be prepared for? Everything! What are the rules of an uncensored post? Just one: There are no rules!!!

Is there a single color that screams AlexSiegal.com Uncensored? Duh:

Which celebrity’s abs best encapsulate an uncensored post? Oh I don't know, maybe it’s the six-pack belonging to 60’s sex icon Paul Newman:

Which basic trigonometry equation is most like an uncensored post? That’s just too easy:

If this post were a leader of the early feminist movement, who would it be? All sexists better leave now:

In the land of TV sitcoms, is there one show that captures the essence of this post? You know it: 

If this post were a Jansport backpack, would it be the “Houston”? Pshhhh. Maybe if this was the censored post! But it’s uncensored! “Thunderclap” all the way:

Well, that’s about it! Hopefully you were able to make it through this entire post without getting offended by how uncensored it was. But I doubt it. You babies!

All Bald...ing Men Don't Look Alike

Recently, my friend Kristin sent me a picture of a man who she claimed was my doppelganger. 

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I’ll admit, to the untrained eye, there are some similarities: we both sport a thin yet muscular physique, we’ve both bravely chosen to rid our beautiful scalps of unsightly hair, and we both stand somewhat awkwardly next to women in shorts. But beyond that, the similarities end. Here are the many differences:

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1. It’s warm out, yet he’s not wearing a hat to cover his exposed head. Plus, no one is asking him if he went to the beach, so he’s clearly not wearing any sunscreen either. That’s a telltale sign it’s not me.

2. Is that a goatee?! 

3. This one is just easy. His hair color is more of a fresh snickerdoodle whereas mine is a lightly toasted croissant.

4. Anyone who knows me even somewhat well knows how keen I am for free food. This guy is wearing a white shirt. Clearly, he doesn’t plan on doing any eating.

5. Look how far down his knee those shorts go. Why didn’t he just wear pants? For the record, this is how I wear shorts.

How I Spend My Time When Real Housewives Is On

My girlfriend and her friend watch the newest episode of Housewives every Tuesday night at 9. Because I refuse to watch it, I instead have to occupy myself with other activities. Here is what I did this week:

 Organized my desktop by “date modified”.

 Almost read this article:

Decided this was a better option:

Wondered if I’m allowed to put my roll on top of this loaf.

Finally found an idea that basically no one else has done.

Debated the best way to charge my computer.

 Made this pie chart 

Tune in next week to see what crazy adventures I’ll get up to. Here’s a hint: I’m going to brew tea. 

The Laundromat

The laundromat is where I always wished my girlfriend and I met. In fact, I’ve thought a lot about how it would play out. I would be fumbling with dryer sheets and she’d notice me and smile. We’d start up a conversation and then do it at my place while the clothes dry. And although this was just a daydream, sometimes when I’m washing our clothes, the fantasy of meeting someone like that pops into my mind. The only problem (besides cheating, her finding out, and me writing a best-selling memoir about the ordeal) is that I’m washing our clothes. That means my performance briefs are mixed in with her performance thongs. So it would only be a matter of time until a woman looked at what was in my hamper and learned the truth. However, I’ve come up with a couple scenarios in which I could convince this spin-cycle sex kitten that I’m alone (although I’m not, and I love my girlfriend and stuff, but you get the idea).

Scenario 1: The Philosopher’s Stone
Me: Hey your laundry bag is neat—lots of functional pockets.
Her: That’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Me: You’re welcome.
(She looks down and notices the clothes in my basket.)
Her: Wait a minute, do you have a girlfriend?
Me: No, I work at a shelter and wash their clothes on the weekend. It just feels good to give back.
Her: I’d say you should tell me more at your place, but my sheets still have another 5 minutes to dry.
(I give her my trademark smirk.)
Me:  Oh let’s plenty of time.

Scenario 2: The Goblet of Fire
Me: Hey! I recognize those tights from yoga. Sharon?
Sharon: Hey Alex!
Me: That class was crazy! One of those poses was so hard I almost started crying. I guess child’s pose would have been my best bet at that point.
Sharon. Haha! Oh Alex. What a well-crafted and relevant joke. Want to come back to...
(She looks down and notices the clothes in my basket.)
Me: It’s not what it looks like. Recently I decided that society’s “definition” of gender was wrong, and to protest it I wash women’s underwear. You know, because you wouldn’t expect that within a heteronormative construct.
Sharon: Again, well crafted and relevant. I live next door. Come on.

Now, you may be quick to point out the obvious exaggeration found in these scenarios, which is why I’m asking for a suspension of disbelief. Otherwise, you’ll never believe that I’d be so naïve as to leave my clothes unattended to have relations with some woman. That’s the easiest way to get your pants stolen. 

Decision 2016

From the AlexSiegal.com Editorial Board

With many news outlets and pundits already stirring up debate about the 2016 presidential election, we’ve decided to rise above the fray by coming right out and making an endorsement. By throwing the full journalistic weight of AlexSiegal.com behind a candidate 2 years before the election, we’ll not only get a sizable bump in web traffic, but also get one step closer to being the first name in political news, as we’ve always intended.

The Candidate
We searched all over the country for the person who best embodied what we believe are the 3 pillars of leadership: chutzpah, menschiness, and shiksappeal. Naturally, we could think of no one better than Hillary Clinton. But she’s way too played up at this point.  And a Google search of her would most likely drive you to one of our direct competitors like the Times or Wall Street Journal.  So instead, we’re going with the US Representative from Maine’s 1st district, Congresswoman Chellie Pingree.

 The Credentials
We won’t bore you with useless information like her voting record or experience. Instead, we’ll delve into the information readily available on her Wikipedia page. She started a knitting company, which at its heyday employed as many as ten people. (Unfortunately, after the subprime yarn crisis of 1992, the company completely unraveled.) Beyond being a titan of industry, she also raised 3 children. (We haven’t run the numbers, but we’re pretty sure this increased Maine’s population by 37%.)

The Campaign
We fully expect an all out war as election season gets closer. But we’re confident that if the Congresswoman goes with one of our expertly crafted campaign slogans, it’ll translate to votes on election day.

“Yes ME Can” – Our exhaustive urinal polling show that everyone liked this in ’08 and everyone knows Maine’s state abbreviation.

“You can’t have main street politics without Maine” – This should be perfect to win over those people in “Real America”, and if the election doesn’t work out, not a bad tourism poster for the state.

“Let’s turn this country around 180-Pingrees” – Zing!
 

Come November 2016, do the right thing and cast your ballot for Pingree. But don’t do it because you want her to change this country or improve our international reputation. Do it because it would be awesome if somehow this blog post got her elected—just so awesome.

Showering With Your Girlfriend

Note: This is about regular, day-to-day showering with your girlfriend. If you’re looking for shower sex tips, check out my sister site, AlexAfterDark.com.

I’ve always been a fan of showering with my girlfriend. Not only is it a great excuse to see her naked, but I can also be warm and clean at the same time. It’s really the ultimate sign of success. You can see a woman naked in the same place you like to slap soap bubbles against your stomach to see how far they fly. That’s huge. But if you’re like me, you don’t want it to end prematurely. So it’s important to follow a few tips to make sure that when she wants to get clean, you get a good view. 

Everyone in the pool!
If you and your girlfriend aren’t on the same shower schedule, you’ll never get the chance to see what she does with a loofa. So make sure you’re always ready. However, she may express interest in showering alone so she can “shave her legs”. Nice try! Just pour some pasta sauce on yourself. She’ll have no choice but to let you in.

Hot spot
Unless you’re a millionaire, royalty, or are one of those guys who is really handy, you probably only have a single showerhead. That means either you or your girlfriend will be getting the life-giving warmth from the shower, while the other person is a little wet and uncomfortable. I wish this weren’t the case, but unfortunately, it is. So best to make sure you get the position next to the showerhead. If she complains, just start talking about something serious like marriage or whatever. Not only will this draw her attention away from where you’re standing, it’ll increase your viewing time as well. Boom!  

Bonus time
Eventually you’ll have to get out of the shower. Or will you? What if you could take the best parts of showering with your girlfriend: the nudity, the warmth, the boobs, and experience them outside of the shower? It can’t be a coincidence that water balloons take on a very familiar shape. So I propose you keep some around and next time she’s watching The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, or The Bachelor Pad you launch off a few bombs her way. She’ll be wet and then hopefully disrobe. Granted, I’ve never tried this myself, so I can’t promise anything. But I think it should work. If you do try it, remember, moderation is key. 3-4 times a week should do the trick.

I hope these showering tips were useful and stay tuned for my next post, “Sleeping Next to Your Girlfriend: Stealing Covers and Sneaking a Peek”. 

The Siegal Guide to Meditation

Today I became interested in mediation. After reading numerous Psychology Today articles and listening to a few guided meditation podcasts, I feel it’s time to share everything I’ve learned in the hopes that you too can become spiritually awakened. Here is a simple morning mediation that I just developed:

Hello. Welcome. Danke schöen.

Please close your eyes. Not that tight. Ok, there you go. Now open them. Make sure no one has snuck up on you because you just never know. Now close your eyes again and take a deep breath in through your nose. Slowly let the air out. Let the realization that this isn’t so hard wash over you and reflect upon the fact that you’ve been breathing on your own for over 25 years. So this can’t be that hard.

Now that you have the breathing down, focus on a part of your body that feels good. Allow yourself to giggle, as we all know what you thought of first. Regain your composure. If your focus drifts away to an ex-girlfriend from high school, that’s OK. Acknowledge that thought and let it float away knowing she was kind of a bitch anyway, all things considered. You took her to Cheesecake Factory no fewer than 3 times. That had to have meant something.

Return your focus to your breath. In and out. In and out. Yes, just like sex in slow motion. Once again, giggle.

Open your eyes. Look at the clock and notice how only 3 minutes have passed. Tell yourself you’ll go longer next time.

Important Announcement

After months of backroom negotiations, I’m pleased to announce that Perdue Chicken has bought a majority stake in my website, AlexSiegal.com.  As many of you assumed, from the moment my site went live I was inundated with requests for mergers, partnerships, and acquisitions. So naturally, the process was a difficult one.

And I know what you’re thinking “Hey, why Perdue Chicken and not a company that seems more fitting for AlexSiegal.com, such as Tyson Foods?” That’s a fair question, and I’ll admit, the choice was not an easy one. I needed to ensure whomever I worked with would keep the spirit of AlexSiegal.com alive and that I’d retain full editorial control. So naturally, after more than 50 years in the poultry business, with innovations such as the skinless breasts and flash-frozen drumsticks, Perdue was just the clear winner.

Effective immediately, my weekly blog, “Ask Alex from AlexSiegal.com,” will be replaced with the twice-weekly, “Perdue Chicken Presents: Ask Alex from AlexSiegal.com”. My other site content will largely stay the same except for some new features:

• “The Chicken Corner,” a series of short stories about love, loss, and properly cooked chicken
• “Tastes Like Chicken,” a podcast series where I interview employees from Perdue’s various plants. It’ll be like “This American Life” meets “60 Minutes” meets an industrial chicken prep line
• “Pollo,” a telenovela about two chicken farmers and their forbidden love

I really hope everyone likes the new site and bears with me as we work out a few kinks. They are inherent with any new business venture that requires USDA inspection. 

My Girlfriend's Underwear

As my girlfriend and I have gotten closer, so too have our clothes. On an average week, I’ll find any number of items from her wardrobe throughout my room. Mostly t-shirts and a few socks, but sometimes something exciting like a sweater. Recently, I discovered a pair of sexy women’s underwear under my bed. I say “sexy” because they were the thong kind. I’m not sure who here is unaware of the thong but it’s pretty sexy. The whole butt is exposed. Which is nice.

Anyway, I was sure they were her’s. Like 99% sure. But still you never know. Maybe they belonged to an ex-girlfriend and slowly, week after week, made their way from the depths of my closet to the middle of my room with the sole purpose of ruining my life! Or maybe, there was a  freak mix-up at my laundromat. Oh! Or maybe I have a secret admirer who left them for me. Yeah… I like the last one. Either way, I figured it wasn’t worth me bringing it up. The underwear that is. Not the secret admirer.

I finally decided to just pick them up and stuff them into my closet. One day, I’ll get the nerve to ask her about them. I could bring it up casually. Maybe something like, “Hey. How was your day? Cool. Cool. Oh, weird… Where did these come from? Guess they’re yours or whatever.” Another approach would be to accuse her of cheating on me and claim that the underwear were really for another man. Hmm. That may become a larger discussion. Perhaps, I should just go with my gut and burn down my entire apartment. That way, I destroy any evidence. The worst case scenario is that I ruin a pair of her underwear. I can always buy her new ones.

An Unauthorized History of my Laundromat

Lately, I’ve been wondering a lot about my laundromat. Specifically, why my clothes always shrink, why the name is so uninventive, and why it even exists in the first place when there are other laundromats nearby. After many hours of exhaustive research with the aid of the NYU School of Question Management, I’ve found some answers:

#1 - The Shrinking Brothers

Way back in 1998, two brothers had a dream of coming to America and living the good life. But their country was under the control of a ruthless ventriloquist’s dummy named Mr. Peanut. And being a wooden doll, it meant that he couldn’t wear normal sized clothing. So people would shrink down their clothes and offer them to Mr. Peanut. The brothers were so inspired by the people’s dedication to Mr. Peanut that they came to America and opened up their own clothing shrinking store under the guise of Grant St Laundromat. And that’s why today, whenever you drop your clothes off they say, “Long live Mr. Peanut.” Although it’s usually said cryptically and comes out as “It’ll be ready tomorrow night, ok?”

#2 - LaundroTech LLC

After opening several other large capacity laundromats in the NYC metro area, LaundroTech LLC (formerly Laundromatical LCC) merged with CleanNYC LLC (formerly CleanUS LCC) to form LaundroClean LCC (after 2 years the name was changed to just Clean LLC). Then, in a hostile take over, the European laundromat giant Euroclean LLC (formerly CleanDeutch LCC) bought a controlling stake in Clean LCC and split the company into 5 smaller companies (Laundro LCC, CleanLaun LCC, Clean-a-matic LCC, LaundroNice LCC, and LaundroCleanUSA LLC). But after several drawn out court battles with the major stakeholders (Johnson V. Williamson; Williamson V. Smith; Johnson&Williamson V. Smith) the judge ordered that the company be reassembled but under the new name “Grand St. Laundromat”.

#3 - Loan

Probably at some point some guy went to the bank and got a loan. He would have, most likely, used this loan to build Grand St Laundromat.